Many children and young people experience the death of a close family member. And that figure is higher for looked after children, some of whom will find themselves in foster or residential care as a direct result of a death in the family.

Coping with the loss of a parent is tough at any age, but for children and teenagers it can be a bewildering and lonely experience. The younger generation reacts to death in different ways, and as adults, it can be difficult to empathise or even begin to try and understand what they are going through.

One particularly helpful piece of literature is Forever Gone, a booklet funded by Harrogate & District Macmillan Nurses’ Trust Fund as a direct result of the personal and professional experiences of nurses working with the terminally ill.

Produced in a clear and straightforward format it offers practical information intended primarily for social and healthcare workers, teachers and volunteers, but it would be useful to anyone close to a bereaved child.

It is simply not possible to prevent children being bereaved, but it is possible to prevent lasting and harmful effects and this booklet offers some useful tools for alleviating the impact of death in a child’s life.

In trying to protect children from the ‘nastier’ side of life’, we often overdo it by couching real events in flimsy terms.

When someone dies, children need

• Information

This needs to be clear, truthful and often repeated. Death should be explained in accurate terms. Younger children in particular can be frightened by talk of someone dying as going on a journey or falling asleep.
Children are highly observant beings and may well have picked up a lot of information already so it is important to make sure they have understood things correctly by talking to them when they are ready.

• Reassurance

Children and young people often worry about the practicalities, such as who will wash their clothes, who will take them to school. They will also want reassurance that the remaining parent or other family members aren’t going to die as well. At this time they need stability, and the predictability of an ordered routine, with plenty of hugs and physical affection.

• Encouragement to express their feelings

They will lead the way when it comes to getting involved and it is advisable to let them as far as they are comfortable. Listening to children and young people is vital, as is trusting their decisions. Younger children are often kept away from the ‘routine’ of death – the funeral and wake. But it is important to acknowledge any desire to be involved, acknowledge their loss and most important of all, give them the chance to say goodbye.

Often grief is expressed in a non-verbal way, with minor ailments and episodes of misbehaving such as rudeness or stealing.

• Help to use up feelings in safe ways

Children need to know that feeling angry is normal and that they won’t feel sad forever. Drawing pictures can help younger children to express their feelings, and older ones may like to write letters to the dead person or stories about them. Keeping mementoes, a scrapbook and photographs is often useful too.

The booklet offers some useful insights into general conceptions of death at different ages, and typical reactions to it. It also signposts the help available from different organisations, together with a recommended reading list of books for different age groups.