by Valerie Jackson
Conflicting
messages?
Being
a parent isn’t easy at the best of times. It’s even more
confusing when there appear to be conflicting messages coming from those
who lay down the rules by which we are expected to abide.
On
the one hand, parents, especially mothers, are being encouraged to return
to the workforce as soon as they can. The Government is putting provision
into place to facilitate this in the form of ‘wraparound’
care. This means basically that you could have someone look after your
child from the time they are born right through until they are old enough
to leave school at the age of sixteen for almost 24 hours each day.
There
are free child care places available for children between the ages of
3 and 5 years; in fact there will be over 10,000 of these throughout
the country. Day nurseries are being approached to provide child care
from an earlier time in the morning, and possibly offer breakfast clubs
for school age children. At the other end of the day, there will be after
school clubs and later closing hours for nurseries, so that parents can
work longer hours or more unsociable hours.
All
of this is marvellous, but now we also hear that the best person to look
after the child is the parent. It’s very difficult to know what
to do for the best. If you work a full day, how do you then find enough
time with your child to offer them anything beyond the most basic parenting,
such as feeding, bathing and a place to sleep?
Toby
Let’s
look at a typical scenario. A couple have a six-month-old child but unfortunately
find that the day-to-day living expenses and mortgage repayments dictate
that both of them will have to work, despite their intentions to share
child care between them and cut down on the hours each is away from the
family home.
They
are supported by extended family members who agree to look after their
child, let’s call him Toby, for most of the week so childcare costs
are reduced. A local nursery has subsidised places on offer for two half
days a week and have welcomed him.
The
care that Toby receives is absolutely fine. He is happy and content and
is beginning to demonstrate his increasing social development by smiling
and gurgling, in fact, doing all the things a child of his age should
do. His parents feel guilty because they are not able to be available
every day. They have been advised to spend ‘quality time’
with Toby but have no real idea what this is or how to make sure this
is what they do.
What
is quality time?
Here’s
our first hurdle. Why should we assume that everyone, especially new
parents, understand the terminology bounced around by so-called experts?
So,
what is quality time? My definition is simple: Quality time is an opportunity
for interaction, learning or quiet reflection for parent and child. It
has no specific length. It does not have to be planned in great detail
and most importantly for this family, it won’t necessarily cost
a lot of money.
What
play things do you need?
Hurdle
two is often linked to pre-conceived ideas about what children, especially
those in their early years, require for play things.
So,
time for another gem of wisdom: The first toy a baby has is the parent
or care giver. How cheap is that! You have eyes to offer eye contact;
you have a face to smile and frown; you have arms to hug with; you have
fingers for your child to hold, suck or chew; you have a voice to speak
to or sing to or laugh with your child. You offer safety and security.
You show pride and give encouragement. You reassure and comfort. What
more could any small person ask for? A final cherry on this fabulous
cake is that you aren’t made of plastic.
How
does quality time work?
I
was a working parent. I returned to work after the standard three months’
maternity leave available at the time. I worked in a child guidance clinic
and was fortunate that, for some of the week, my daughter was able to
be with me at work. For two days each week, she became the best teaching
model I had. Part of my work was encouraging parents who, for one reason
or another, had not formed positive relationships with their pre-school
child to play and interact with them.
Whilst
they may have felt no emotional ties to their own child, they loved being
allowed to hold my baby. By having this opportunity to develop a tentative
bond with someone else’s child, where no responsibility or pressure
was enforced on them, they slowly learned how to recognise the glimmer
of love and protection for their own child.
The
rest of the time she was with her father or my parents. She had a variety
of carers and I missed her when she wasn’t with me. Our quality
time was bath time. Every night I ran the bath and placed in it empty
bubble bath bottles, a sieve and anything else that I felt might offer
her fun and learning. I sat on the floor beside the bath, once she was
old enough to sit unaided, and we would play and sing and splash for
a good twenty minutes to half an hour. After she was dried, she had her
supper and a warm drink and I put her to bed to fall into a relaxed sleep.
That
routine set the pattern for us both to spend a richness of time together,
no matter what else had happened during the day. For working parents,
it isn’t the length of time, it’s how that time is spent.
Does
quality time have to be every day?
No.
A survey conducted into the actual time fathers spent with their children
on a one-to-one basis in any one week, in the 1980s, identified a maximum
of two hours. That time was usually just before the child went to sleep
or first thing in the morning or, where fathers worked very long hours,
at the weekend.
Few
of the children interviewed felt that they missed out, especially when
the time they did spend with their fathers was rich in communication
and physical contact. Going for a walk with the dog, watching a cartoon
together sitting on the sofa. The main message of being together is more
important than what is done.
For
parents who only get to see their child for restricted periods of time,
whether due to separation or work demands, there are much better places
to go than the local fast food restaurant. Buy sandwiches and go to the
local park to have a picnic. The weather doesn’t matter. Feed the
ducks, watch a football match, go to the children’s play ground.
Show your child that you really enjoy their company. It will pay massive
dividends in later years.
By
the time you read this, Christmas will have come and gone. I would like
to wish all of you a healthy and trouble-free 2006.
Valerie
Jackson is an independent consultant and adviser for nurseries
and parents. She is a published author with a book and several
articles to her name.
