What is a Naughty Child?

Valerie Jackson, Operations Director at Primary Steps, explains to us that there is no such creature as a naughty child. Valerie, who recently joined Primary Steps in the newly created position of Operations Director, is responsible for the management of twenty six day nurseries and two crèches. Primary Steps, now a top ten provider of nursery places in the UK, has one simple ambition - to maximise the social and educational potential of each child attending its nurseries.

The response that makes most sense is that there is no such creature as a naughty child.

What does the word mean?

It usually means that the child is exhibiting behaviour that adults find frustrating, irritating, confusing, annoying or even bizarre. Adults often feel they must be more powerful than children, so we do this by using language that no one, not even ourselves, understands.

By use of this magic word, ‘naughty’, we can bewilder a child and leave them guessing about what it was that they did which caused us to behave in such a violent, hurtful or frightening manner.

Some adults demonstrate their displeasure by becoming more angry and child-like than the child they are supposed to be disciplining.

‘You make me very angry when you are naughty’ is a statement which can bring chills to the heart of a young child. What information have they been given? How can they learn to improve? All they have been told is that now the adult is angry, I wonder what will happen next. It is these types of statements that abusers have been using for centuries to let their victims know that it really is all their own fault if something bad happens to them.

They may refuse to speak to the child, or banish then to the ‘naughty’ chair or spot to ‘think about things’. What things? If an inanimate object can also become naughty, what hope is there for an innocent, albeit irritating child?

All this does is inform the child that whatever they did, it wasn’t pleasing to the adult.
How is that teaching the child anything positive about behaviour?

By the same token, those adults who accuse children of attention seeking behaviour need to stop and think. All of us, child or adult, seeks attention from time to time. If we speak, we want someone to listen; if we have done something well, we want someone to take note and offer recognition; if we cannot gain attention by any other means, we will behave in an inappropriate manner knowing that at least a telling off or punishment is acknowledgement that we exist.

A child needs boundaries and discipline that is consistent and age-appropriate.
If something in a child’s behaviour is undesirable, it is essential that they are informed in a way they understand, what it is that makes their actions unsafe or anti-social.

‘You took the toy from Bertie.’ ‘Bertie is crying.’ ‘He is sad because the toy has been taken away.’

These behavioural statements will have more impact on the child than the adult removing the child or grabbing the toy and giving it back to the hapless Bertie.

If the child is old enough, the question: ‘What do you think we can do for Bertie to stop him crying?’ will help train them to find a solution which can cheer up poor Bertie.

We want them to say that Bertie should be given the toy. The child may have a different, but equally fitting idea, such as ‘He needs a hug’ or ‘Give him another toy.’
At this stage, what the child learns is that each action or behaviour has a consequence.

If they wish for a positive consequence, they must do positive things. So, if a hug quietens Bertie, then we can thank the child for his or her suggestions.

I know that some people would want me to say the child should have been told that they were unkind, but I am thinking with the logic of the child. To develop a conscience, you need to be emotionally mature enough. A young child may not yet be ready to think about others. We must offer opportunities for practicing emotional understanding

If a similar thing were to happen with an older child, we might then add, ‘Maybe if Bertie was given the toy back it might make him very happy. I would like to see that. I think you should try it so we can see if I am right.’ Note I have not suggested you ask the child what they think. They would be likely to say that they didn’t want to therefore the option for refusal is not offered. We are allowing the child thinking time without forcing surrender.

Child care should be more about guidance and leadership rather than bullying and punishment.

If the behaviour of the child is severe, then the adult should use behavioural statements and questions in a different way.

‘You pushed Gertie down onto the pavement.’ ‘She is crying because she was hurt when she fell.’ ‘I think you hurt Gertie by pushing her down.’

‘What can you do to make Gertie feel better?’

‘I don’t want you to push anyone over. It hurts them when they fall.’

This time we have added an adult opinion which the child can think about. If this incident were to happen again with the same child, we can remind them what we said and add a question:

‘When you pushed Gertie over she cried because it hurt her. You have now pushed Bertie and he is crying because he is hurt.’ ‘What do you think should happen now?’
If the child does not wish to make a decision, then we can take some of that responsibility away from them.

‘I think that you should say sorry because you have hurt your friend. I said that I didn’t want you to push anyone because it hurts them. You have now pushed Bertie. Now you must sit beside me until I say you can go back to play because I need to see where you are and what you are doing.’

If we have to resort to this, the child should only be expected to sit beside the adult for a few minutes, no longer than 3 or 4 as their attention span is still very short and they will soon have forgotten why they are there.

It is important that the adult watches the child from that moment until they ‘catch them being good’ and then lets everyone else know how kind, clever, thoughtful or whatever, the child was.

Verbal public praise works wonders!!!

If we remember that children do not automatically have the reasoning powers and insight of adults, it will help us remain focussed on what we are providing for the child. A positive, consistent role model, who does not blame or show anger.

I have never met a parent yet who deliberately set out to mould a child into bad behaviour. If we want our children to become good citizens, we must provide them with the tools to meet the challenge.