by Valerie
Jackson
I
think most of us, as we grow from childhood, through to adolescence
and before adulthood, will have criticised and even occasionally
felt outraged by the trappings of order and routine that, to
our arrogant and inexperienced eyes, tied down our parents and
family members.
In
my family culture, for example, we all sat down together for
the evening meal. We had roast dinner on Sundays. I hated my
traditional job of washing up after each meal we shared. We
visited my grandmother on Fridays and she in turn, came for
tea on Sundays. I couldn’t see the point. I didn’t
understand what was so important and necessary that it had to
be repeated every single week or day. I was determined that
I would not conform to these restricting and outdated practices
when I achieved adult status and independence. I had not understood
the importance that routine played in all of our lives, particularly
those of my childhood.
The
simplest of order or routine begins from birth. Babies need
to be fed, changed and bathed regularly in order to maintain
their health and safety. The best way to settle a baby and new
parent with as little stress as possible is to establish a routine
which suits everyone. Some babies, for example, begin to relax
after the evening bath time. They begin to get used to settling
down ready for their long sleep during the night. The family
life style may be one of morning showers to wake everyone up
for the day ahead. Again, the baby adapts to this. The type
of food that is served in the household becomes traditional.
Whether it is fast food or home made, fresh or frozen, the child
picks up messages that will dictate their future attitude and
expectations about eating and food types.
If
the family unit is chaotic or spontaneous, with no set bed times,
meal times or regular coming home times, then the children in
it will experience some difficulties accepting the rules and
routines of nursery or school. Such children are often unfairly
labelled as exhibiting challenging behaviour. How can they help
but challenge what is, to them, an alien concept? It is too
easy to “blame the parents”. We do not know what
their histories were, or who their role models were. How smug
we can be, knowing that our training and qualifications place
us above those people who actually care for these children when
we have gone to our well-ordered, comfortable homes.
We
can’t escape routine. We can’t really escape tradition.
Something has only to be repeated a couple of times before it
become established as the way to do things. Traditions and routines
within family units are based on habits and expectations as
well as on the wider cultural aspects such as dress, mannerisms
and language.
My
irritation about going to visit my grandmother was really because
I needed to blame someone for not being able to go out to play.
What I failed to accept, until I did stay home one time, was
that my friends all had their Friday family traditions and routines,
so I still couldn’t play as I anticipated!
Routine
and tradition within our families, as well as in our communities,
gives us a sense of belonging. We all sit down to eat, for example.
The child who has not learned this stands out as odd or a nuisance
once they go to nursery or school.
We
wait until most people have finished eating before we excuse
ourselves from the table. We hand out food or sweets to others
before ourselves. We respect those who are older than us, and,
if we are lucky, we will live long enough to have this bestowed
on us. We are honest and reliable. Our word can be trusted.
We would not dream of taking something that did not belong to
us, just because we could. All children are expected home at
a reasonable time and their parents always know what they are
doing and where they are doing it.....
I
don’t think so. If we all lived in this ideal world, then
we would all have the same routines and traditions. We don’t,
but we do tend to judge everyone by these.
The
best thing we can offer our children is order and routine in
which they can begin to make sense of their environment and
their place in it. There is a time for food, and it strengthens
bonds if people eat together as a family. There is a time to
go to bed. It helps if we go to bed in time to gain enough sleep
so that we look forward to the day ahead. There is a value in
visiting relatives and family friends. Our social and emotional
development relies on such meetings. If we hear adults thanking
each other and us for things we have done, we are more likely
to do the same.
Children
learn by example. If we are wise, we will ensure that the routines
and traditions we wish our children to accept will offer kindness,
respect and inclusion.
